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Dave Barry, if you could take back one sentence you’ve ever spoken, what would it be?

“Go ahead, I dare you to audit me.”


If you had to choose a first name other than your own, what would it be?


Darth or Scooter.


If you ruled the world, what’s the first thing you would change?

There would be a lot more weekends.


If you had a superpower, what would it be?

The ability to vanquish evildoers using only sarcasm.


If you had to describe yourself in three words, which ones would you choose?

1. Tall. 2. Handsome. 3. Inaccurate.


If you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life, what would it be?

A really, really long album.


If you could have created any one work of great art by another artist, what would it be?

The Mona Lisa. Because then I could walk into the Louvre and say, “That’s mine, and I want it back.”


If you were to pick what is inscribed on your gravestone, what would it be?

“He’s not here yet.”


What About You? If you received a surprise package in the mail today, what would you like to be in it?

Submit your answer at spiritmag.com/if. Our favorite responses will be published in an upcoming issue of Spirit.


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